Tales from last night from the Raffles lounge at Jaipur

....reminds me of the dreadful jam that Binky and yours truly got into in the Punjab when we were first commissioned straight out of the Eton Wet Ears Cadets. I'd only just learned how to find my way from the Parade Ground to the Tuck Shop, when blow me our Regiment was despatched to put down an horrendous uprising in hot parts. Firstly, the opposition were very poorly dressed. It's no surprise that we suffered only a wounded satsuma and a tear in a sapper's copy of the Wisden Cricket Annual, when these chaps were turned out more for holiday photos than the battlefield. In fairness their lack of heavy weapons and explosives had more to do with the outcome, but decency must be maintained. A stiff upper lip is always de riguer on the battlefield, although these chaps had more of a stiff full beard and extreme moustache, with whirling dervish headgear. Secondly, the inability to speak English clearly caused a great deal of confusion. What do these fellows expect if they run around clucking foreign nonsense at each other when they should be beating a hasty retreat? Thirdly, and most decisive on the day, was the fact that they didn't have any decent nicknames. When we were asking all the questions Biffo, Spam, Ginger, Topper, Wiggy and Clive knew what was going orff and where. The Fuzzies however were all over the place with most of their horses having more impressive nicknames than they themselves. When will these types learn from our playing fields examples that thrashing the opposition is impossible without at least 3 top-hole nicknames??? This was proved by my old housemaster Cyril "Polish This" Wormsley with able assistance from Tim "Nice But Gay" Henderson and Bernard "Pass The Port" Buntley in their masterful tome "Nicknames and Military Strategy - The Secret Weapon" Toff Publications, London, 1878. Anyway the Gin Wallah has arrived and I'm off to mistreat captives in astronomical temperatures...must dash ! Pip! Pip! Brigadier Henry Thrumpingham DSO Bar, MC & Hammer (Retd) Chelmsford

FirstPosted: 06/06/2001 | LastModified: 06/06/2001 | Added by: 303admin

a spy in the camp

'I shall be regaling you all with some of my more hair-raising recollections from the far flung corners of Her Majesty's Empire. Some of you may not be aware that we are no longer in charge of the subcontinent, and as this state of affairs continues, you can see that the place has gone to the dogs.' WHAT IMPOSTER !! I received this transmission and with such bitter treason in its voice . No longer in charge of the sub continent - balderdash Although there were earthquakes when we ran India, naturally we didn't report them. Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Worked for years - anyway, I digress... India....reminds me of the dreadful jam that Binky and yours truly got into in the Punjab when we were first commissioned straight out of the Eton Wet Ears Cadets. I'd only just learned how to find my way from the Parade Ground to the Tuck Shop, when blow me our Regiment was despatched to put down an horrendous uprising in hot parts. Firstly, the opposition were very poorly dressed. It's no surprise that we suffered only a wounded satsuma and a tear in a sapper's copy of the Wisden Cricket Annual, when these chaps were turned out more for holiday photos than the battlefield. In fairness their lack of heavy weapons and explosives had more to do with the outcome, but decency must be maintained. A stiff upper lip is always de riguer on the battlefield, although these chaps had more of a stiff full beard and extreme moustache, with whirling dervish headgear. Secondly, the inability to speak English clearly caused a great deal of confusion. What do these fellows expect if they run around clucking foreign nonsense at each other when they should be beating a hasty retreat? Thirdly, and most decisive on the day, was the fact that they didn't have any decent nicknames. When we were asking all the questions Biffo, Spam, Ginger, Topper, Wiggy and Clive knew what was going orff and where. The Fuzzies however were all over the place with most of their horses having more impressive nicknames than they themselves. When will these types learn from our playing fields examples that thrashing the opposition is impossible without at least 3 top-hole nicknames??? This was proved by my old housemaster Cyril "Polish This" Wormsley with able assistance from Tim "Nice But Gay" Henderson and Bernard "Pass The Port" Buntley in their masterful tome "Nicknames and Military Strategy - The Secret Weapon" Toff Publications, London, 1878. Anyway the Gin Wallah has arrived and I'm off to mistreat captives in astronomical temperatures...must dash ! Pip! Pip! Brigadier Henry Thrumpingham DSO Bar, MC & Hammer (Retd) Chelmsford

FirstPosted: 06/06/2001 | LastModified: 06/06/2001 | Added by: 303admin

War rages with Morovia

I just had despatches in from one of our chaps in darkest Morovia - the despised enemy of the colonies. God save the King ! It is reported a local chap was seen to be slurping his tea in public. If this was not enough to churn every man jacks iron stomach then prepare for pure horror. He was caught wearing tweed in town. We most stop this uncivilised barbarity once and for all. Most crimes to humanity will be posted soon. Pip Pip old beans All goes well on the ministry of disinformations annual trip to the gees gees at Epson races. In an official capacity as spy finders general at the race we cannot really report due to natinal security and as i was incredibly drunk on old Gingers port hamper but it was assumed he wad a roaring time and the country was safe from Morovian invasion or infiltration. Official notice Gentlemen may I please remind you that it is not good form for this new style of monacle i have seen the young bucks wearing, to be flouted about. Really 2 monacles attached with ear holders how utterley ridiculous. I had to give one man and stern talking too about his wayward jauntiness wearing tweed in town propostorous! My vigilance continues. Stiff upper lips should be exposed at all opportune times Never trust a man with a foreign accent Bad news from the front Morovia gains 1 yard of battlefield after 4 week glorious raging battle .Speckled Jim has just delivered a most grave report yes Morovia gained a whole yard. A rather small skirmish considering losses were only 40,000 men in the first hour. Some good news Morovia have not gained a yard on the battlefield . It was just a wheeze from the fly boys over at upper Throxton aerodrome they ha excuse me I must contain myself from this jape gaffuw drew the line on, needless to say losses are still the same

FirstPosted: 06/06/2001 | LastModified: 06/06/2001 | Added by: 303admin